What’s keeping me busy these days…

So I started to write a 55 fiction and found that I couldn’t convey what I had in mind in 55 words. So I decided to write a short story instead. And then I realized to get everything I had in mind, it will have to be a long story and then I remembered reading about the National Novel Writing Month on Shilpa’s blog and just on the spur of the moment decided to give it a shot. I started on the 11th November. Don’t think I’d be able to write 50,000 words by the end of the month. But I am giving it a shot. Which means I am on a blog break again.

Will be back in December. If not with a novel then definitely with some stories.

Till then take care.

 

 

Bye Bye FB. Hello (again!) Blog.

Dear blog,

You are, you have always been on my mind even when I am not consciously thinking about you.

Everything that has happened since we parted ways, everything that I have done, everything that I have gone through, at some point, I have had an imaginary conversation with you. I have wondered how will I word things if I had to tell you everything, what will you say about it, how would you react to it, knowing fully well that the conversation will never happen because I had no intentions of returning.

But like they say -never say never. I had thought I’d stay away from you as you made me feel vulnerable and exposed. I forgot you also made me feel alive. Looking back, I was just punishing myself by staying away, for wrongs that I have not done.

So I am back.

The fact that I am deleting my Facebook account has something to do with it as well. I will have more time to kill now. So why not do it (pun intended) passionately with you , my first love. The other option is to keep FB and convince myself there is nothing better than this, this is just as good as it gets. But how can I lie to myself when I have known you. I have known how good it can get. How can I let what we had slip away for something that never existed, something that I was only fooling myself to believe in.

I have been carrying on with the dead relationship with FB for a while now. There was a brief time where I did think it was something different. FB was welcoming, transparent and made me feel special. And I reciprocated. And then I found out it was like that with everyone. I was just fooling myself all along. Now it has became something that I don’t recognize anymore. I no longer feel the same way about it that I used to. The posts, the comments, the wishes, I can’t do it any more just because its expected of me. There was a time when I did all this because it excited me and because I wanted to. Now its just pressure. More pressure than I can handle.

FB has changed. I have changed. We are too different now and have grown really apart. I have tried. Tried making fresh starts. But its like banging my head against a wall. Its so full of hidden layers, the ones that I don’t have the energy to unravel anymore. And then there is this obnoxious attitude. That its doing me a favor by allowing me to spend time with it, by letting me tell it what’s on my mind. I can’t take this attitude anymore. So I have decided to let it go and carry on with its million other relationships.

Every time I decided to give it another shot, It made me feel more miserable. Its almost as if it is mocking me, telling me how lacking I am and how perfect everyone else is. I can feel the contempt as it compares me with the picture perfect others. This is not how a relationship is meant to be and who knows it better than us. You and I have always respected each other. I know I keep you going ( literally) and I never miss an opportunity to tell you what you mean to me. You keep me sane, give me company, help me think straight. Now this is some relationship. Based on mutual need, respect, admiration and love.

Knowing that such relationships exist, how could I have carried on with that sham of a relationship that I have with FB.

I have known all of this for sometime now.Yet I did not have the courage. I couldn’t get myself to hit delete just because I couldn’t even remember what life was like before FB. But that’s no reason to carry on, right? So yesterday I finally hit delete.

I am still a bit nervous. I am still not calling it the end. Just a break for now. We’ll see how it goes. I have a feeling that I’d be fine. I have you. I have real friends. I have my work. And I have my beautiful  family, the one that I wake up to every morning and the one that gives me the strength to face the day no matter what it brings. With all this, who needs the obnoxious and pretentious FB? Who has the time or the patience to let is think that it owns me so that we can carry on, FB with its air of superiority and I with my resignation.

So as I embark on this new phase without FB, I am back to you dear blog.

I am not here to get any sympathy from you. I won’t tell you how bad things have been with me, what I have gone through and how I have survived. There will be no talk of that. The fact is I have survived and that’s what matters. I am at a place where thinking happy thoughts is an effort but I will make the effort. Because you are worth it. I will make myself interesting again. Will talk about things other than personal sob stories. Personal stories from my life will come too. But when I can tell them as a detached narrator not as an actor/participant. For now, we will talk about other things. May be we will start with books that I have been reading.

I intend to weed out the unimportant, unnecessary and toxic elements from my life and concentrate on what matters. I am starting with you. Claiming back something that I shouldn’t have let go. This is a start. I am rebuilding what I lost because of misplaced priorities and looking for what I have not found yet but I know is out there. I know it will come to me someday.

And that’s the day we will stop talking about books and stuff and talk about my life and what makes it so good.

I know you will still be there when it happens. Because our relationship is special. Its based on honesty, respect and love.  I know you will last. You are the one who will be there to see the rise and the fall of ones that were not meant to be. Giving me courage, strength and hope through all ups and downs.

Love

T&D

 

IF

Aarzu/Armaan,

I wanted to write to you for 30 days but it didn’t take 30 days to figure out what I should be doing. It took 5. My last post to you is marked private. We will let that stay private for now.

Once the confusion was over, I didn’t write everyday. But I do need to close what I have been saying. If you ever come across these posts, if they seem like a puzzle, all the pieces should be in there so that we can fit them in together. So far only the victim in me has written to you; A victim of circumstances who did not have a choice. The posts just tell one side of the story. They give out a wrong picture and if I am not around to fill the gaps you at least need to hear from me that I wasn’t an innocent victim. Today I write to you as the perpetrator of the exact circumstances that left me with little choice.

It all started with me doing something I shouldn’t have done. I crossed a line. 10 years back I wouldn’t have crossed this line. Five years back, I would have owned up and tried to make amends.

Today, I stood firm by what I did. My baggage was my only justification. I admitted what I did was uncalled for and unjustified and beyond every definition of civility if you look at it as an isolated event. I admitted I lost my mind but cited the events that led up to it some as old as 10 years. Secretly I was ashamed of what I did. But Publically I stood firm. I was ready to break than bend. History justifies what I did is all I could come up with. The whole world was standing on one side, I on the other. I told them they’d never know what causes a person to become insane because they haven’t been in my shoes. At the same time, I refused to acknowledge that I could have had even a tiny role in making others insane.

I looked at myself as a victim. I spew out poison because I have been injected with it. The only solution that came to my mind was cutting off poisonous parts. I was too proud to think that it would make me weaker as well. Healing is a long and hard process. You have to stay and look at the wound every day and acknowledge your role. Then you have to work on it everyday to make it better. You have to live with the fact that no amount of healing will make things just like old times. And that’s hard to deal with. Cutting off on the other hand is much easy. You do it in a single snap. And a simple statement such as destiny is enough to justify it. It leaves you weaker but you get used to it. There is no mess to fix, nothing that will stare at you in the face every day. You can just wipe things off and move on. Pretend like they never existed. And because it is a struggle to survive if you are not whole, you can continue with the victim charade. That’s what I wanted to do.

I have never had the strength to bear the burden of my doings. I have run away in the past. I wanted to do it this time. I did not have it in me to stay and repair. Yes I have done this earlier as well. Caused huge damage and escaped because staying meant someone besides me knew the truth about the devil in me. Staying meant acknowledging that even deep down I am not a good person. Staying meant overcoming my ego and repairing. Ego has won in the past. I have lost relationships that I saw myself having for life. Every time I did this in the past, I justified my choices in my head. And I took one more step towards becoming the person that I never wanted to be but am today.

I will not run this time. I will stay and repair.

The devil is not dead. It is whispering in my ears as I write “You don’t have to do this. You are the victim, remember”. I know that any effort that comes while the devil is alive would be half hearted. Any effort that comes while the devil is alive would be made while expecting something in return. Every time an effort will be shunned, the devil will get louder. It’s just waiting to scream ‘see it wasn’t worth it’ into my ears. I can’t kill the devil in one go. I have to face a daily battle. There will be days when I’d feel like a victim again. There will be days when I’d want to take the easy way out. I hope the days pass and I realize that a mess that has taken years to build will take years to clean. I hope I don’t give up.

You know you will read things as kids that won’t make sense to you. And then you’ll read them again as an adult. And understand. I leave you with one such poem.It says it all but omits the most important line which according to me is:If you don’t or can’t, then there is no difference my son.’ Of course applies to both sons and daughters.

IF by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too:

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated don’t give way to hating,

And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream and not make dreams your master;

If you can think and not make thoughts your aim,

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same:

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build’em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings,

And never breathe a word about your loss:

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much:

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,

And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!

 

kahan tak ye man ko andhere chhalenge…

I wanted to write yesterday but it would have eaten into the time we were spending together. So I made a new rule, no weekend writing unless I really have time for it.Things are going fine. The outside is peaceful yet there is a feeling of dread inside. It feels like the lull before a storm. I am counting on time for so many things. I hope the storm doesn’t come knocking before I have had enough time.

You are being the best children ever. You eat, sleep, and wake up without any fuss. I couldn’t have asked for more from you. Work is alright too. Every one is at vacation and it’s my last few days here. The weather is as good as it can be.

 I hope the dark cloud casting its shadow on me disappears as well.

 

The start of a start

Had a good day today.I have chosen a path. The harder one. At least that’s what I think at the moment. I am letting go of a lot of stuff and holding on to a lot too. The stuff I am letting go off, I need to be strong for it to stay that way. Sometimes that’s the only way. Some parts need to be cut off otherwise the poison spreads. But it also weakens whatever is left. I know that. I still wish I had done this sooner. It would have hurt less. The part that I am holding on too, I need to make a huge effort to let it stay.  It requires a huge commitment.

I hope I can do it.For our sake.

 

What are the odds

You know as a mother, I believe and want you to believe that there is no one else like you. You have unique strengths and weaknesses and a unique personality.

Yet I strongly believe in the law of averages. I believe in the magic of numbers. Do you know what I do for a living? I try to predict the future. Based on what has happened in the past. I try to predict whether a new person who I have never even met will default on payments, buy a certain product or go with a competitor.

And how do I do it? By making an assumption that this person is not unique. His personality will fit one of the standard profiles that we have, profiles that we have created after studying a lot of people. And you know what it works? It works most of the times.

 And that’s why I am doling this advice to you. If you are ever at crossroads and don’t know where to go, take the first short cut to the local library and read. Read what other people in your situation do. Think about the options. What are the odds that option A will work? What are the odds that option B will work? What do statistics say about people who take one route Vs the other? How do they turn out? How many people have defied the odds? Now ask yourself what you want to do. Once you have read the factual, statistical books, read stories fictional and non fictional. Books, they’ll always surprise you with their empathy. Just when we think no body understands what it feels like, you’d read about somebody who has experienced the exact same thing. You can draw lessons from their choices.

 You still might choose to do something different but at least you would have had all facts before you.

And don’t let anyone and that includes me make doomsday predictions about your choices. Because depending on the power they have over you, the level of confidence in their voice and their determination to prove themself right could make you internalize their verdict and give up on your dream too soon.

 Finally, whatever the confusion, no matter how big the problem, no matter if you take path A or path B, if you truly believe in it and also believe in your own self, it will all workout in the end. I promise.

 

signs

So what should we talk about today?

 These are confusing times. Things are changing on a daily basis. Minds are changing on an hourly basis.

 Once upon a time, not too long ago, I made a deal with God. I really wanted to do something but it required a huge change, a career shift of sorts, leaving everything I know behind and starting from scratch. I wasn’t sure if this was the way to go but there was a constant nagging feeling to go ahead and listen to my heart for a change, a voice that told me it was the right thing to do. So I told God I wasn’t ready but I’d take the plunge if thing A happens. With thing A, I won’t need to be sure or look for a reason, I won’t need to think and there would be no confusion. It would be a clear sign.

Have I ever said, that someone up there is listening very closely to what I say? After a while thing A happened. I was surprised initially but soon adjusted to the shift. I wondered briefly if it was indeed a sign to do what my heart has been telling me to do. My heart has been telling me to venture into unexplored territories and do/try something that I haven’t done before. Thing A came and stayed but my mind still won over my heart. However I didn’t completely give up the lust. With thing A, my confusion increased. I made another deal with God. I’d take the plunge if there is thing B. I got some evidence of thing B in a few months. But it was false. Then I got it again. But it was false alarm this time as well. False alarm so loud that it felt very very real. It jolted me from my slumber. But it was false no matter how real it felt. So no, the condition for adventure was not met. While all this was going on, I heard about thing C from someone and thought to myself –now this is the stuff that could make someone start on a new life-altering course and if that ever happens to me, I will do what I have wanted to do for so long. Thing C would be clear sign to let the heart win. Now, thing C is not common at all. It doesn’t happen to every body. It’s unheard of. I haven’t heard or see it happen to anybody my entire life except that one person. That one person was the reason why I thought if C happens, heart wins. Actually not even like that. My thought process was more like ‘okay since I am never ever going to experience C, I should stay risk averse. It’s not worth it without life being close to thing C’. Now thing C is like a gift that you can give to may be your child and that too is not common. You have to be really generous. For C to happen, I needed to change continents. There was no chance of it happening to me of all people because people who could be that generous to me, I hadn’t seen them be that generous to their children ever. No chance I told myself. Stay risk averse, like what you have, don’t crave for the unknown I told myself.

 You know where this story is going. We changed continents twice. Last Saturday, July 31^st, I was gifted with thing C. A generosity that went above and beyond everything I have seen before. There are so many people in the world like me. I know I am not the only one. Yet not every body gets this lucky.

 Isn’t it uncanny that the exact same things that I think about happen to me? Is the universe taking orders from me? Is it conspiring just so that I would try a new thing? Am I ignoring signs that are getting too loud to ignore? It really feels as if some one up there wants me to dare. He will do what ever it takes to get me to do this. Can things happen just because you think about them?

 Or does the fact that I secretly think and believe I have an option causing the restlessness? All the signs are just coincidences. Should I just take the option away and concentrate on the less glamorous, less adventurous, secure life that I do have. Will I like things more if I didn’t have a plan B.

 What I mentioned here are the big signs. There are so many small things interspersed in between. Little things that kept the boll rolling, like fate intervening on Monday so that I could go and see a consultant who referred me to another consultant. Just when I thought I don’t have the time for that today, I got a call. I must go and see the consultant for something else. I went and while I was at it, I got the referral as well. Little thing but it moved things forward. Without that phone call, I wouldn’t have gone. And it brought some more clarity. But it brought some more confusion.

 Where is it going? Where am I going? I don’t know.

 I am chickening out again. For now.

 The decision might not be big for some but it is for me.

Can you quit a job to say, write a book? Of course you can.

But should you quit a job to write a book when you financially can’t afford do?

Should you have another child because you think 3 is the right number?

Should you terminate a pregnancy because you think 2 is the right number?

Should you come out of the closet and rock everything?

Should you continue in the closet because it will rock everything?

 I don’t know the answers. I am still looking for signs.

 We will fill in the blanks together when you grow up. I promise.

 Love

Mamma

 

Bridges of Madison County

Aarzu, Armaan,

The next 30 days belong to you. I want to be able to talk to you everyday. It would have been so much easier had you been a little older. I would have just talked. But I can’t. So here I am, typing away.

We won’t be discussing specifics. Just vague letters which might make sense years from now. Because one day, when you are both grown up, we will revisit these times and I will tell you about our journey. The whole story. I don’t know where we would be then. Whether we will be happy or sad, rich or poor.

Just think about the possibilities of not knowing. I could be diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, suffering from hallucinations and schizophrenia in the next 30 days. I mean what crazy woman would write letters to her children knowing they can’t read yet. What? It’s a possibility, isn’t it? But don’t worry; I am sure there would be a knight in shining armour waiting to rescue me if that happens.

Another possibility, I could die in the next 30 days. Yes, that could happen too, can’t it? May be I am writing to you as a premonition.

Now that the worst that can happen to me is out of the way. Any circumstance other than the above two would be bearable, tame-able and worth placing our bets on, right? You with me?

I write this with a heavy heart. Because I will be writing the last of these letters two days before your bday Aarzu. I should be planning your bday, sending out emails, figuring out what theme I am going with,but I am not doing any of that. I hope serendipity will intervene again and I won’t let you down. Guardian Angel, are you listening? My faith in you has grown stronger over the years. Please be there this time as well. I want Aarzu to have a fabulous day on her fifth bday. Please make it possible.

So what else should we be talking about? Armaan, I did write you a letter on your Bday. Its sits on my personal drive in my office comp. Never posted it. Wanted to give up blogging. I will post that letter soon.

What else, yeah I am reading ‘Bridges of Madison County’. Read the first few chapters. Haven’t felt anything yet. The whole sanctioning of an extra marital affair because she was lonely is kinda putting me off. Let’s see how I feel at the end of the book. But right now, it’s not doing anything for me. A married woman in her 40s, with 2 grown children is falling for a man who is so different from her husband. The book is about their love. I am not questioning their love. It must be real. Just because something lies outside the collective morals of the society does not make it less real. I could fall in love with someone else if I were trapped in a dead-end marriage. But what would be so great about that love no matter how real it is. Why devote a whole book to it? I keep wondering if she would still love him, if she could just be with him. His nomadic ways would cramp her style, won’t they? Their love is real but as fragile as a dream. Yeah dreams are real too. I think so. But they all break.

Here is a line from the book that I did like or rather identified with. This is how it goes:

 The old dreams were good dreams; they didn’t work out but I am glad I had them.

 Isn’t it true for all of us? Just because it so happened that our life today is vastly different from the way we wanted it to be, should we go ahead and snatch a small window of time in which we live our dream? Just because?

I don’t agree.

So dear children, if you ever find yourself in such a situation, this is what I think on Day 1 of this 30 day long effort to reach out to you and tell you how I feel each day. It’s easy to love an idea, past events or future possibilities. And it’s alright. Alright as long as you are not doing any thing that’s called ‘crossing the line’. We all need something to hold on to. Sometimes we hold on to the past, sometimes we hold on to a future that no matter how uncertain seems brighter than what ever situation we are stuck in at the moment. However never make the mistake of regarding something that you have not held and felt in your own hands as an answer to your prayers. The love could be real but the promise that it brings is not. You haven’t had the chance to test it. Don’t compare it with something that has failed. Only a married person knows how easy it is to stay yet stray in a marriage and have affairs. All you have to do is cross a mental moral line. Stay in a comfortable marriage, have friends with benefits outside. So many men and women do it and that too under the garb of ‘stayed for the sake of my children’. The hard part is to have the courage to walk out of the security and comfort, tough it out alone and then find love again. And the new love, now that it just won’t be a four day fling as in the book, you will know whether the promises it brought were any different than the promises that were broken the first time. This is the clean way. This is the right way. This is the only way. Extra marital affairs are stealth and cowardice and having your cake and eating it too. So no, the love in this book is not the kind of love I would want you to ever seek. I would be proud if you stay fight in a marriage and bring the love back. If the love is gone forever and the marriage is not worth fighting for any more, I would be proud if you walk out with you head held high and self respect in place. Love will come to you again. I promise.

Love

Mamma

 

For your daughters. And sons

Don’t Kiss the Frog: Princess stories with attitude.

Here is what the cover says:

For the princesses in this book, the old rules no longer apply. They might still wear their tiaras but they do things their own way! Never wait for a prince to come to their rescue…

There is more than one way to defeat a dragon…

Stay in your fairy godmother’s good books…

And whatever you do, don’t kiss the frog!

Need I say more?

 

Mothers

I read this piece this morning at work and couldn’t help my tears. I read it again in the evening. And cried again.