March 27, 2010

These are the best of times. These are the worst of times.

In a few months you will be here in my arms. Your kicks are getting stronger every day. I am  enjoying my work. India feels like home. I don’t want to go back.

But sometimes, just sometimes, I look at those pictures and videos. Our house, the park we used to go to, that trip to Disney, the greenery, the mountains, the snow…and it is then that the tears start flowing. And I realize that I am still falling. I jumped a few months back. My feet have not managed to find ground yet.

I wonder if you’ll ever ask me why. Why didn’t we give you the choice that you sister has. It was a matter of a few months, wasn’t it?

I don’t have an answer. So I day dream. And fantasize. That its not I who brought you here. But the other way round. Things happened the way they did because you had to be born here. That our move back was a  part of some big plan and not just a result of our mid life crisis. In this plan, you are meant to do big things in India. May be you will become a famous writer. Life in India will shape your writings. May be you will enter Indian politics and become a great leader. I just hope and dream that there is some bigger picture, a higher cause hidden somewhere here. Something that I can’t see yet.

But it sometimes scares me as to why God chose you to go through all this even before life has begun for you.  Life has been a roller coaster ride from the day you made an appearance. The decision, the job search, the move, the adjustment! I always always wanted to have you but never wanted to go through all this stress while carrying you. This is proving to be the most stressful nine months of my life. I have been consumed with anger, frustration, hatred, revenge, depression, have had a minor car accident and am not gaining much weight. I am already failing you. Why did God choose me as your mom. Why do you need to experience all this through me. Hope He doesn’t think that you need to be strong for what lies ahead so the preparation. You are already my determined one. My strong one. The one who flourishes against all odds. The one who wrote his destiny. I just hope you never get a chance to test these qualities that I know exist in you.

Love,

Mamma

May 13,2010

Hey baby, go easy on your mamma. I know I deserve to be kicked but such strong kicks! What are you so mad about? With your sister, I went to the emergency at least twice because I couldn’t feel anything and wanted to make sure that she was okay. With you, I think I should get myself checked up to make sure none of my ribs are broken. Okay I am kidding. Keep ‘em coming. There are days when your kicks are the only things that remind me that I am pregnant. And there are days when your movements are the only thing that feels alive inside of me. And the other good thing is I have now given up my condescending attitude towards pregnant women who complain about discomfort from kicks. Your sister had me believe that these women just want to be pampered and have people fuss over them just because they are pregnant. so your kicks!  They serve me right!

Love,

Mamma

May 22, 2010

I wish I could take you to our house. I still miss that house. Sometimes I day dream about walking into it again and inhaling the air, pausing for a minute or two, looking around, opening different doors: the door to the bathroom that was painted red, the pantry, the closet, then walking up the stairs and opening the door to the nursery, touching things one by one , the walls with the pink border, the wicker drawer, the doll on the top. I imagine caressing those things and  re-living the time I spent there. I try not to focus on the fact that even if I go in that room again, none of the things exist now. I stripped it bare myself, removing traces of our life there so that the new family could settle right in. They must have painted the room blue now because they had a little boy. Had we stayed there, we would have started getting ready for you as well.

But you know, I am happy that we are in India. This time around I won’t make the mistakes that I made with your sister. I will breastfeed you longer. You will have home made food. Not the packed Gerber stuff. The change that I have seen in your sis in the last five months, makes it worth it. She is eating so much better, even willing to try new stuff. You have no idea what a challenge it was to feed her. Also she is more confident, less clingy and does not need me around all the time. She has family other than mom and dad. The weather allows her to go to the park everyday. There are other children in the park!

So yes, no matter how much I miss that house, I am glad you won’t be born there.

Love

Mamma

May 26, 2010

There are some days and moments that we remember for the rest of our lives. Like when I found out I was pregnant the first time. It was early in the morning and I had woken your dad up to ask if he saw two lines as well!  The day I found out it was having a girl! How I had cried with happiness!

Today was one such day. Full of ups and downs. I went for an ultrasound. Life has been so busy and hectic that the only times I think about my pregnancy and you is when I am visiting a doctor for the regular check ups. And just thinking about you fills me with such tenderness that everytime a Dr talks nicely to me, I have to hold my tears back. The doctor doing the ultrasound asked my age.  I smiled wryly and said ’I think its 32, 78 born must be 32, right? I am losing track of everything. on most days I cant even remember how far along I am’. And she asked “why is that?” I said “job related stress”. Of course I lied. It isn’t just the job, its this whole life in India that is so different from what we were used to. And she said in a very kind way “you shouldn’t take so much stress when you are pregnant, pregnancy itself is so stressful, no?” And I felt so looked after and pampered and cared for by that one sentence that I cried, even after trying hard not to. And she was kind enough not to notice. And then she complimented me on my name. And I told her my daughter has a beautiful name too. And then we discussed your progress. And she said things look fine for the most part but the amniotic fluid is less (the reason we went for the check up) and I felt guilty again and tried not to show it. And then we were done with it. And as we were leaving she said ‘ BTW I do want to let you know it a boy!”. It a boy! You are a boy! Someone up there is definitely watching over me. Giving me whatever I ask for. I wanted you to be a boy with such intensity that I almost knew it. I wasnt even thinking of girl names this time. Yet it was such a pleasant surprise. I told her she made me day. And she said I told you because you have a girl already and every one wants a girl and a boy. I just hope she didn’t think the reason I was stressed was because I didnt want a second girl child. Anyways it didn’t matter. I was so happy that I cried and sniffed for the next 10 minutes. Your dad is so used to my crying bouts that he doesn’t even ask anymore why I am crying publicly. I also called you with your name. The one that was just a ‘could be’ a day before fit so perfectly when I tried it on you. Your sister wants to call you Krishna but it doesn’t fit. I think I’ll have to disappoint her.

And then my regular Dr looked at the reports and said the amniotic fluid is really low. There has to be an ultrasound again  next week and if it falls any lower, its not safe for you. They will have to induce right then. So you might come earlier than we thought though I hope it doesn’t come to that. I hope you stay safe in my tummy for as long as you are supposed to.

So the day brought me the best news of the pregnancy followed by the worst. But it didnt end there. The next few hours saw us starting from scratch again. We came to India with six suitcases. And we picked up those six suitcases again and left. Without any plan. Not knowing where we were going. I am still not sure. I just know one thing. That my God gave me Aarzu when I wanted her and gifted me with you when I was ready and craving for you. I wouldn’t have loved you half as much had you come first. The same guardian angel will make sure that things turn out to be fine this time around.

Love

Mamma

May 27, 2010

Hey baby,

We found a house that we are going to make our home. I love it and I am sure you will too. Just stay in there for another month at least, okay? Give us some time to get it ready for you, alright. I don’t want your dad to do it all by himself.

Love,

Mamma