So what should we talk about today?
These are confusing times. Things are changing on a daily basis. Minds are changing on an hourly basis.
Once upon a time, not too long ago, I made a deal with God. I really wanted to do something but it required a huge change, a career shift of sorts, leaving everything I know behind and starting from scratch. I wasn’t sure if this was the way to go but there was a constant nagging feeling to go ahead and listen to my heart for a change, a voice that told me it was the right thing to do. So I told God I wasn’t ready but I’d take the plunge if thing A happens. With thing A, I won’t need to be sure or look for a reason, I won’t need to think and there would be no confusion. It would be a clear sign.
Have I ever said, that someone up there is listening very closely to what I say? After a while thing A happened. I was surprised initially but soon adjusted to the shift. I wondered briefly if it was indeed a sign to do what my heart has been telling me to do. My heart has been telling me to venture into unexplored territories and do/try something that I haven’t done before. Thing A came and stayed but my mind still won over my heart. However I didn’t completely give up the lust. With thing A, my confusion increased. I made another deal with God. I’d take the plunge if there is thing B. I got some evidence of thing B in a few months. But it was false. Then I got it again. But it was false alarm this time as well. False alarm so loud that it felt very very real. It jolted me from my slumber. But it was false no matter how real it felt. So no, the condition for adventure was not met. While all this was going on, I heard about thing C from someone and thought to myself –now this is the stuff that could make someone start on a new life-altering course and if that ever happens to me, I will do what I have wanted to do for so long. Thing C would be clear sign to let the heart win. Now, thing C is not common at all. It doesn’t happen to every body. It’s unheard of. I haven’t heard or see it happen to anybody my entire life except that one person. That one person was the reason why I thought if C happens, heart wins. Actually not even like that. My thought process was more like ‘okay since I am never ever going to experience C, I should stay risk averse. It’s not worth it without life being close to thing C’. Now thing C is like a gift that you can give to may be your child and that too is not common. You have to be really generous. For C to happen, I needed to change continents. There was no chance of it happening to me of all people because people who could be that generous to me, I hadn’t seen them be that generous to their children ever. No chance I told myself. Stay risk averse, like what you have, don’t crave for the unknown I told myself.
You know where this story is going. We changed continents twice. Last Saturday, July 31st, I was gifted with thing C. A generosity that went above and beyond everything I have seen before. There are so many people in the world like me. I know I am not the only one. Yet not every body gets this lucky.
Isn’t it uncanny that the exact same things that I think about happen to me? Is the universe taking orders from me? Is it conspiring just so that I would try a new thing? Am I ignoring signs that are getting too loud to ignore? It really feels as if some one up there wants me to dare. He will do what ever it takes to get me to do this. Can things happen just because you think about them?
Or does the fact that I secretly think and believe I have an option causing the restlessness? All the signs are just coincidences. Should I just take the option away and concentrate on the less glamorous, less adventurous, secure life that I do have. Will I like things more if I didn’t have a plan B.
What I mentioned here are the big signs. There are so many small things interspersed in between. Little things that kept the boll rolling, like fate intervening on Monday so that I could go and see a consultant who referred me to another consultant. Just when I thought I don’t have the time for that today, I got a call. I must go and see the consultant for something else. I went and while I was at it, I got the referral as well. Little thing but it moved things forward. Without that phone call, I wouldn’t have gone. And it brought some more clarity. But it brought some more confusion.
Where is it going? Where am I going? I don’t know.
I am chickening out again. For now.
The decision might not be big for some but it is for me.
Can you quit a job to say, write a book? Of course you can.
But should you quit a job to write a book when you financially can’t afford do?
Should you have another child because you think 3 is the right number?
Should you terminate a pregnancy because you think 2 is the right number?
Should you come out of the closet and rock everything?
Should you continue in the closet because it will rock everything?
I don’t know the answers. I am still looking for signs.
We will fill in the blanks together when you grow up. I promise.
Love
Mamma
