Dear blog,

You are, you have always been on my mind even when I am not consciously thinking about you.

Everything that has happened since we parted ways, everything that I have done, everything that I have gone through, at some point, I have had an imaginary conversation with you. I have wondered how will I word things if I had to tell you everything, what will you say about it, how would you react to it, knowing fully well that the conversation will never happen because I had no intentions of returning.

But like they say -never say never. I had thought I’d stay away from you as you made me feel vulnerable and exposed. I forgot you also made me feel alive. Looking back, I was just punishing myself by staying away, for wrongs that I have not done.

So I am back.

The fact that I am deleting my Facebook account has something to do with it as well. I will have more time to kill now. So why not do it (pun intended) passionately with you , my first love. The other option is to keep FB and convince myself there is nothing better than this, this is just as good as it gets. But how can I lie to myself when I have known you. I have known how good it can get. How can I let what we had slip away for something that never existed, something that I was only fooling myself to believe in.

I have been carrying on with the dead relationship with FB for a while now. There was a brief time where I did think it was something different. FB was welcoming, transparent and made me feel special. And I reciprocated. And then I found out it was like that with everyone. I was just fooling myself all along. Now it has became something that I don’t recognize anymore. I no longer feel the same way about it that I used to. The posts, the comments, the wishes, I can’t do it any more just because its expected of me. There was a time when I did all this because it excited me and because I wanted to. Now its just pressure. More pressure than I can handle.

FB has changed. I have changed. We are too different now and have grown really apart. I have tried. Tried making fresh starts. But its like banging my head against a wall. Its so full of hidden layers, the ones that I don’t have the energy to unravel anymore. And then there is this obnoxious attitude. That its doing me a favor by allowing me to spend time with it, by letting me tell it what’s on my mind. I can’t take this attitude anymore. So I have decided to let it go and carry on with its million other relationships.

Every time I decided to give it another shot, It made me feel more miserable. Its almost as if it is mocking me, telling me how lacking I am and how perfect everyone else is. I can feel the contempt as it compares me with the picture perfect others. This is not how a relationship is meant to be and who knows it better than us. You and I have always respected each other. I know I keep you going ( literally) and I never miss an opportunity to tell you what you mean to me. You keep me sane, give me company, help me think straight. Now this is some relationship. Based on mutual need, respect, admiration and love.

Knowing that such relationships exist, how could I have carried on with that sham of a relationship that I have with FB.

I have known all of this for sometime now.Yet I did not have the courage. I couldn’t get myself to hit delete just because I couldn’t even remember what life was like before FB. But that’s no reason to carry on, right? So yesterday I finally hit delete.

I am still a bit nervous. I am still not calling it the end. Just a break for now. We’ll see how it goes. I have a feeling that I’d be fine. I have you. I have real friends. I have my work. And I have my beautiful  family, the one that I wake up to every morning and the one that gives me the strength to face the day no matter what it brings. With all this, who needs the obnoxious and pretentious FB? Who has the time or the patience to let is think that it owns me so that we can carry on, FB with its air of superiority and I with my resignation.

So as I embark on this new phase without FB, I am back to you dear blog.

I am not here to get any sympathy from you. I won’t tell you how bad things have been with me, what I have gone through and how I have survived. There will be no talk of that. The fact is I have survived and that’s what matters. I am at a place where thinking happy thoughts is an effort but I will make the effort. Because you are worth it. I will make myself interesting again. Will talk about things other than personal sob stories. Personal stories from my life will come too. But when I can tell them as a detached narrator not as an actor/participant. For now, we will talk about other things. May be we will start with books that I have been reading.

I intend to weed out the unimportant, unnecessary and toxic elements from my life and concentrate on what matters. I am starting with you. Claiming back something that I shouldn’t have let go. This is a start. I am rebuilding what I lost because of misplaced priorities and looking for what I have not found yet but I know is out there. I know it will come to me someday.

And that’s the day we will stop talking about books and stuff and talk about my life and what makes it so good.

I know you will still be there when it happens. Because our relationship is special. Its based on honesty, respect and love.  I know you will last. You are the one who will be there to see the rise and the fall of ones that were not meant to be. Giving me courage, strength and hope through all ups and downs.

Love

T&D

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